The Comedy Central Roast of Captain Aldous - Dous Day Edition

Carson Daly

Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to the day you have all been waiting for. We are going to roast the blogger you love to hate - Aldous Calubad right on his birthday hosted by me, Carson Daly.

First of all, I am glad we are doing a Zoom group chat of this Roasting. If we did it live, the number of people attending would be equal to the number of people who would usually go to Aldous' birthday parties - Zero! 

Aldous ages like fine wine. He always looks ten years younger.....said no one ever! 

Aldous, you've been blogging ever since Enrile was born. That's like 800 years and you can't still get on top?

Speaking of being on top, please welcome our first roaster Nikki Glaser..

Nikki Glaser

 image from tvfanatic.com

Before I forget, today is April 19. With that, I want to say Happy Birthday to a very humble and handsome man. He is a compassionate and marvelous leader. From the bottom of my heart, Happy Birthday Joseph "Erap" Estrada!

Carson, you used to be known as a poor man's Fredddie Prinze Jr. That was 20 years ago though. Now, you're a poor man's Bruce Campbell. 

Now it is time for the man of the hour. Aldous, you and Anton Diaz like wearing collared shirts. And that is where the similarities end.

Aldous makes full use of the 9 hours he is at office. He spends 2 hours on Tinder, 3 hours watching YouTube wrestling videos, 2 hours downloading porn, and 2 hours doing the one thing he is actually good at - eating.

Don't get me wrong though. Aldous is such a workaholic that he thinks OT stands for Okinawa Tea.


Jeff Ross

 credit - image from timesofisrael.com

Listen, I am no mechanic but I am pretty sure something is wrong with Aldous' car. It makes an automatic right turn when he sees Pegasus.

Aldous, Lee Rosales blamed you for throwing up during their boat trip to Camaya Coast. What a f*ckin idiot. I mean, you're certainly not Aquaman. You're the only person I know who snorkels at an inflatable pool. 

Before Team Aldous the blogger group, there was Team Aldous the basketball team. They actually won the 2006 LSBL Championship and Aldous made the biggest contribution of them all - not playing.

Seriously, Aldous always entertained us with his dazzling layups. His no-look behind the back passes! And of course, his one-handed free throws! I remember being in awe at all of those moments...during garbage time. 


Dave Chappelle

 credit to inquirer.com for image

Aldous, before anything else, from the bottom of my heart, I am not going to insult you. After all, it is your birthday. I am not going to say that you are a lazy, fat hypocrite. No, I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say you're a sex-crazed dirty old man either.

Back in High School, Aldous was notorious for his cheating ways. He once put a manila paper full of English words at the back of the classroom for his Chinese memorization oral test. Unfortunately, the plan backfired on him. Why? Because nobody could understand a single word he's saying either. Yeah, it did not matter whether it was Chinese or English. Nobody could understand shit. They wished there was subtitles.

Aldous was actually pretty tall back in High School that his classmates thought he could dunk. He told them, "Nah, I can't dunk." His classmates then asked, "Why not?". He told them, "Because I'm afraid of heights!" 

You know how all of Aldous' dates start? He's going to go "Where are we going to eat?". His date will be like "Oh, I like Mcdonald's!". Aldous will then say "Nah, let's go to Shi Lin." Now this is the time when his date gives him that confused look. Why did you even ask, you white Chinese Korean-looking guy?


Aldous



Everyone, thanks for being here. It was a pretty nice birthday gift.

Nikki, the reason I turn right to Pegasus is because I always think you would be there. When I see you're not there, I'd reckon someone already beat me to it.

Jeff, thanks for being here. I know you are always busy writing jokes for the next roast even if you didn't know who you were going to roast. The only thing I can be sure of is that you eat too much roast meat.

Dave, the most expensive tickets to your Manila show cost P20,000. With that amount of money, I can probably marry your wife.



*static*

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